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Jokes
May 15, 2024 4:40:13 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 15, 2024 4:40:13 GMT -6
"Diarrhea is hereditary!"
"Huh?"
"It runs in your jeans."
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Jokes
May 19, 2024 5:26:45 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 19, 2024 5:26:45 GMT -6
When my girlfriend’s father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald’s, so instead, I said …
"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year."
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Jokes
May 22, 2024 11:08:04 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 22, 2024 11:08:04 GMT -6
A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.
So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?”
The vultures look up and one of them gestures to to the center of their group, revealing a dead deer and says “nothing officer, we were just on our lunch break”
The Sheriff nods and says understandingly “Oh I see, carrion then.”
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Jokes
May 23, 2024 5:16:48 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 23, 2024 5:16:48 GMT -6
A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption
If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake, eat half of it now and the other half in an hour.
You can halve your cake and eat at 2.
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Jokes
May 24, 2024 4:57:30 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 24, 2024 4:57:30 GMT -6
I keep a few CDs in a storage compartment in our grandfather clock. The other day I couldn't find my favourite Iron Maiden album...
It was caught somewhere in time.
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Jokes
May 25, 2024 8:22:18 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 25, 2024 8:22:18 GMT -6
A vet had an doctor appointment.
So he gets in doctor's office and sits down.
Doc: Tell me what's wrong.
Vet: You have it so easy don't you, Doc.
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Jokes
May 26, 2024 5:47:50 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 26, 2024 5:47:50 GMT -6
Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Cackle maniacally like a swamp witch, and the people back away slowly.
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Jokes
May 27, 2024 4:33:14 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 27, 2024 4:33:14 GMT -6
When I graduated high school, my parents enrolled me in medical research
It was a 4-year study of sleep deprivation and alcohol consumption.
Sure, they called it "college", but I knew otherwise.
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Jokes
May 28, 2024 5:07:14 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 28, 2024 5:07:14 GMT -6
A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy:
"Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is?"
After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says, "Wedding cake?"
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Jokes
May 29, 2024 5:06:25 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 29, 2024 5:06:25 GMT -6
A guy visits his clock loving friend.
There are clocks everywhere. Each one of them shows different times. But some go faster than the others.
"What's with the clocks?" he asks.
"Each country has its own clock here. The higher alcohol consumption, the faster the clock."
He was right - the Korean clock for example was slower than the German one.
"That's cool, but I can't see the Russian one. Where is it?"
"It's in the kitchen, it serves as a huge fan."
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Jokes
May 30, 2024 4:39:01 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 30, 2024 4:39:01 GMT -6
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
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Jokes
Jun 10, 2024 4:58:14 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 10, 2024 4:58:14 GMT -6
A telemarketer calls a house, and a little boy answers the phone.
"Hello, little boy, is your father home?"
"No.
"Well, is your mother home?"
"No.
"Well, is there anyone else here I can speak to about an incredible opportunity?"
"Um, my sister's here."
"Can I speak to your sister, then?"
"Sure".
The boy puts down the phone and there's mostly silence for the next 5 minutes. Then the boy returns to the phone.
"Sorry, but my sister can't come to the phone right now."
"Oh, unfortunate. Why not?"
"I can't get her our of her crib."
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Jokes
Jun 10, 2024 5:01:49 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 10, 2024 5:01:49 GMT -6
Without warning, Sam was approached by a man offering to make him rich. The source of wealth was a machine that printed $10 bills. Sam, even being an upright citizen, was in a bit of a financial bind so he agreed to look at the machine.
They stepped around the corner into the alley and the man demonstrated his machine. He put a 1 dollar bill in one end and a new, crisp $10 bill came out the other. The bill actually was perfect compared to a ten spot Sam had in his wallet. He gave the guy his $200 asking price and headed home.
Keeping his wife in the dark, he invited his close friend Ron over to his garage see the boon. When Sam put a single into the machine, an ELEVEN dollar bill came out! Sam was horrified!
Ron said, "Not to worry! We'll head down to the seedy part of town down by the docks where a lot of foreigners weren't familiar with US currency and see what we can do. Places always give change and we can pass these off for real cash."
The popped into a likely looking dive bar and ordered a couple beers at $2.50 a pop. He slid the bartender an $11 dollar bill, wondering what would happen. The 'tender didn't bat an eye.
The bartender came back and gave Sam his change...two $3 bills.
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Jokes
Jun 10, 2024 5:04:49 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 10, 2024 5:04:49 GMT -6
Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2024 4:33:00 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 11, 2024 4:33:00 GMT -6
A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.
Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.
Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.
"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out
"Is three weeks ok?"
"Perfect"
"Alright, you're set for three weeks from now. Anything else I can do for you?"
"Yes. I need to cancel my appointment.
"We need a week's notice."
"My appointment is three weeks away."
"Oh. Okay. Sure"
"Bless your heart."
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