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Jokes
Jun 12, 2024 4:11:32 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 12, 2024 4:11:32 GMT -6
A 70 year old man named George goes in for a doctors appointment.
All of his physical tests yield normal result, so the doctor asks George if he is feeling well mentally, which George replies he is.
He is then asked if he has a good relationship with his god. George explains that when he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the light automatically turns on, and it turns off when he leaves. George believes that this is the result of a good relationship with his god. The doctor is astounded, and after the check up, he caps George’s wife to confirm this.
Doctor: “Is it true that when George goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night, the light comes on when he enters, and turns off when he leaves?”
Wife: “That old fool has been going to the bathroom in the refrigerator again.”
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Jokes
Jun 13, 2024 4:10:54 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 13, 2024 4:10:54 GMT -6
A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.
Police suspect highly organised crime.
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Jokes
Jun 24, 2024 5:32:16 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 24, 2024 5:32:16 GMT -6
I saw a fellow on the street begging for change.
After two hours, he got up, walked down some quiet street and hopped into his Range Rover. I pursued him. I tapped on the window before he drove off.
"I saw what you were doing," I told him. "Taking advantage of naïve people and stealing their hard-earned money."
"Yeah," he replied. "And what in heck are you gonna do about it?"
I said, "Well, I was just wondering if you'd like to work for me as a telemarketer."
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Jokes
Jun 24, 2024 5:35:01 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 24, 2024 5:35:01 GMT -6
An old man goes on a rant
“Don’t worry honey, I’m fine. I’m just faking it, I don’t have dementia. You see, I’m just tired. Tired of the kids whining and asking for money. Tired of my doctor always telling me I need to eat healthier and exercise. Tired of all these telemarketers. Tired of our neighbors always treating me like I’m incapable of carrying my own groceries. All I want to do is stay home and enjoy some time with you, make it down to the hobby room, and enjoy a quiet retirement.”
The woman replies “Sir, If you are not going to order I have to ask that you leave the drive through.”
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Jokes
Jun 25, 2024 4:58:58 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 25, 2024 4:58:58 GMT -6
Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.
After 10 minutes of chatting, she told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
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Jokes
Jun 26, 2024 5:03:20 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 26, 2024 5:03:20 GMT -6
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
As he's sitting at the bar enjoying his beverage, a tiny horse walks in and sits down next to him. The man is shocked and asks the bartender, "Is that a little horse?" The bartender nods and the man asks, "What's it doing here?"
The bartender replies, "It's a psychology experiment. We're trying to see if a miniature horse can function as a service animal for people with anxiety and depression."
The man is intrigued and asks the little horse, "So, what do you do for people with anxiety and depression?"
The little horse replies, "I tell them, 'Hey, at least you're not a tiny horse.'"
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Jokes
Jun 27, 2024 4:41:17 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jun 27, 2024 4:41:17 GMT -6
"Honey, I want you to have this silver bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother."
"Well, thank you, Sweetie! It's beautiful! But why does it say 'Do not resuscitate' on it?"
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Jokes
Jul 3, 2024 4:25:14 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 3, 2024 4:25:14 GMT -6
A friend of mine used to date a woman who worked in a government office in Washington,
But since they parted,
She's now his Fed Ex
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Jokes
Jul 4, 2024 19:12:48 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 4, 2024 19:12:48 GMT -6
I just found out that medical information on a hippopotamus is considered extremely private.
Sharing any would be a hippo violation.
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Post by abuelobill on Jul 8, 2024 7:55:03 GMT -6
Charles Dickens walked into a bar and ordered a martini.
The bartender asked, "Olive or twist?"
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Jokes
Jul 9, 2024 4:43:36 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 9, 2024 4:43:36 GMT -6
A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.
The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."
So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set of jumper cables in the back of his car. He's desperate to get into the bar, so he fashions the jumper cables into a rough tie knot around his neck, with the ends dangling free.
When he goes back to the bar, the bouncer looks him over carefully, and then then nods. "Okay, I guess you can come in now," he says. "Just don't start anything."
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Jokes
Jul 11, 2024 4:44:43 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 11, 2024 4:44:43 GMT -6
1st law of mechanical repair:
After your hands become thoroughly greasy, your nose will start to itch and you will need to pee.
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2024 5:17:56 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 13, 2024 5:17:56 GMT -6
Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint.
"That will be $0.05 please sir."
"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too."
"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir."
"Dang, OK and a packet of crisps."
"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together."
"This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I'd like to thank him."
"Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife."
"...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?"
"Same thing I am doing down here with his business."
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2024 5:58:15 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 14, 2024 5:58:15 GMT -6
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
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Jokes
Jul 15, 2024 4:49:01 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 15, 2024 4:49:01 GMT -6
An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.
The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.
When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.
To his surprise, it shows a reading of 0.0. Confused, the cop asks the driver, how?
To which the driver replies - Tonight, I am the designated decoy.
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