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Jokes
Jul 16, 2024 5:30:01 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 16, 2024 5:30:01 GMT -6
Two friends having gotten tired of using instant communication, decided to use old fashioned means of messaging each other, such as pigeons.
For a few days, it is great. Then one day, a pigeon shows up at one friends house with a blank piece of paper.
Angry, the receiver phones his friend to ask what was the meaning of the message.
To which his friend calmly replies, "Oh, that was a missed call."
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Jokes
Jul 18, 2024 5:21:25 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 18, 2024 5:21:25 GMT -6
A gorilla visits a bar and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be $10.00' says the barman.
The gorilla pays and the barman says 'We don't get many gorillas in the bar'.
The gorilla replies 'I'm not surprised at these prices'.
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Jokes
Jul 19, 2024 5:42:12 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 19, 2024 5:42:12 GMT -6
I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by kissing her...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of snugging she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday," I replied.
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Jokes
Jul 26, 2024 5:42:33 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 26, 2024 5:42:33 GMT -6
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."
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Jokes
Jul 28, 2024 4:17:24 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 28, 2024 4:17:24 GMT -6
I stayed the night on an Asian Island, in a native American style dwelling with a dual blue and brown colours theme which played nonstop music by The Specials.
It was a Two Tone teal and tan Tie dyed Taiwanese teepee in Taipei!
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Jokes
Jul 28, 2024 4:21:28 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 28, 2024 4:21:28 GMT -6
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing", the old man said simply.
"Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he asked the old man, "and how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth", the old man answered.
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Jokes
Jul 30, 2024 4:55:58 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Jul 30, 2024 4:55:58 GMT -6
A man walks into a pub and asks the bar tender for the WiFi password.
The bar tender replies "You have to buy a drink first"
So the man buys a Coke.
"Ok now what's the WiFi password?"
The bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces"
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Jokes
Aug 3, 2024 7:22:48 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Aug 3, 2024 7:22:48 GMT -6
I took my pants and underwear off for my prostate exam. I asked my urologist where I should put them.
He said, "Just put them in the corner next to mine."
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Jokes
Aug 3, 2024 7:26:39 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Aug 3, 2024 7:26:39 GMT -6
Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub
They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.
Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.
By their third pint, their tales are getting taller and taller but the theme remains the same - they are hard as nails.
Suddenly, a green length of tarmac enters the establishment. At the bat of an eyelid, the two original lengths of tarmac make themselves scarce, locking themselves inside the disabled toilet.
The green length of tarmac orders a scotch, neat and sits quietly in the corner sipping away. After 20 minutes, he leaves, quietly thanking the barman with a nod of the head.
The two lengths of the tarmac sheepishly return to their bar stools and the barman notices they are trembling slightly.
"What was that all about? I thought you were hard men?" Asks the barman, genuinely intrigued at this sudden lapse of bravado.
"Look mate, we are hard," replies one of the lengths of tarmac, "but that guy is a dang cycle path."
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Jokes
Aug 4, 2024 16:06:45 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Aug 4, 2024 16:06:45 GMT -6
There's a famous pub in Dublin, at the top of Camden Street, called the Bleeding Horse.
One day, a Clydesdale horse trotted in and ordered a pint of Guinness and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman was a little taken aback, but Dublin barmen are nothing if not professional, so he served him with a smile and went about his business.
A few moments later the horse said, "Excuse me, but could I please have a napkin? I seem to be getting a nosebleed."
As the barman brought over some napkins he chuckled and said, "You know, I suppose this means the bar is named after you."
The horse looked at him nonplussed and said, "Who the heck names a bar Kevin?"
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Jokes
Aug 5, 2024 5:43:39 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Aug 5, 2024 5:43:39 GMT -6
I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.
"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."
Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.
He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying, "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for the past ten years, so move it."
Still refusing, the guy walked right up to me, passed me two sticks and said, "Well you play the dang drums then."
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Jokes
Aug 6, 2024 5:05:32 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Aug 6, 2024 5:05:32 GMT -6
Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.
100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
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Jokes
Aug 7, 2024 5:49:56 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Aug 7, 2024 5:49:56 GMT -6
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.
I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
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Jokes
Aug 8, 2024 4:07:28 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Aug 8, 2024 4:07:28 GMT -6
Here's one for us "old" folks......
Wife says to husband who's heading for the kitchen, Honey, bring me some ice cream. She says, write it down, or you'll forget.
He replies...I can remember ice cream and starts to continue on to the kitchen. Wife yells, I'd like some chocolate syrup too....write it down or you'll forget.
He replies, I can remember ice cream with chocolate syrup and begins walking to the kitchen again. Wife yells....I'd also like some whipped cream on top. Write it down or you'll forget.
Husband says. I can remember ice cream, with chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Then the wife yells out one last time....I'd like a cherry on top......write it down.
Husband once again replies that he can remember ice cream, with chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry on top. He heads out to the kitchen.
Twenty or so minutes later, the husband walks into the living room where the wife is waiting and he hands his wife a plate with bacon and eggs on it. Wife looks at him and says......
Where's the toast?
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Jokes
Aug 14, 2024 5:44:41 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Aug 14, 2024 5:44:41 GMT -6
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
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