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Jokes
Sept 28, 2023 5:26:17 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Sept 28, 2023 5:26:17 GMT -6
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is.
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2023 5:37:30 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Sept 29, 2023 5:37:30 GMT -6
Out driving the other day I crossed a bridge over a small creek. The sign called it "Nowhere Creek". Just after the bridge was another sign for that said "Town of Anywhere 5 miles".
As I was crossing the bridge I realize I was nowhere but could get to anywhere from here.
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2023 6:02:31 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Sept 30, 2023 6:02:31 GMT -6
A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”
Husband: Who is Priscilla?
Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.
Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?
Wife: Where are you??
Husband: Near the vegetable market.
Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...
After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”
Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.
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Jokes
Oct 5, 2023 5:56:20 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 5, 2023 5:56:20 GMT -6
A set of car keys and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The jumper cables go find a seat while the car keys ask the bartender for 3 beers.
The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You three look like you're about to start something!"
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Jokes
Oct 6, 2023 4:44:23 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 6, 2023 4:44:23 GMT -6
Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car.
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says, “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
“Sorry about that,” says Jack. “I just dragged him ‘round to 1 Oak Street.”
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2023 6:34:25 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 7, 2023 6:34:25 GMT -6
Wife crashed the car again today.
She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.
Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2023 6:39:09 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 8, 2023 6:39:09 GMT -6
A screwdriver Walks into a bar and takes a seat in front of the bartender.
Bartender notices and heads his way over then says, “Hey bud, we’ve got a drink named after you, so here’s one on the house.”
Confused, the screwdriver asks, “Wait, you have a drink named Steve?”
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Jokes
Oct 14, 2023 7:35:38 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 14, 2023 7:35:38 GMT -6
I can not shop at Costco anymore  Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 143 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. |
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Jokes
Oct 15, 2023 6:50:06 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 15, 2023 6:50:06 GMT -6
A group of passengers are riding the bus to work…
Suddenly, the engine splutters and the bus grinds to a halt at the side of the road. The driver gets out, opens the engine compartment, and peers inside, cursing and swearing.
After a while the passengers get restless. A woman pulls a small toolkit out of her purse, gets up and goes outside, and sees the driver frantically trying to reattach a loose electrical cable with his finger
“Would you like a screwdriver,” she asks.
“I’d love one,” he replies, “but we’re ten minutes late already”!
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Jokes
Oct 16, 2023 4:52:41 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 16, 2023 4:52:41 GMT -6
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he’s just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, “Dude, this is a Halloween party! You’re supposed to be wearing a costume?”
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I’m a snail!”
“You’re a snail?”
“Yeah, I’m a snail,” says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, “This is Michelle.”
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Jokes
Oct 17, 2023 5:05:44 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 17, 2023 5:05:44 GMT -6
'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my nose.'
The doctor examines him, and the man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?'
The doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
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Jokes
Oct 18, 2023 5:07:22 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 18, 2023 5:07:22 GMT -6
Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.
Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.
Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.
Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.
Strength is smacking the guy who put tomato in the fruit salad.
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2023 4:49:50 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 19, 2023 4:49:50 GMT -6
A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.
He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.
After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes up, takes one last look around, flicks his tail over his shoulder and leaves the taproom.
A man at the bar has been watching the whole time and turns to the barman in amazement. "I've never seen anything like that before," he says. "Who was that?"
"Surprised you never heard of him," answered the barman. "That was Adjustin' Beaver."
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2023 5:01:35 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 20, 2023 5:01:35 GMT -6
A German, a Frenchman, an Italian, and an Englishman are debating what separates man from the beasts.
The German says 'Science and technology'.
The Frenchman says 'Haute cuisine'.
The Italian says 'Opera'.
The Englishman says 'The Channel.'
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2023 5:24:16 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Oct 21, 2023 5:24:16 GMT -6
A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Are you coming to our big Halloween party?" the bartender asks.
"Yes, I've already planned my costume. I'm going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood," the nurse says.
"I'm going to be a hemogoblin."
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