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Jokes
Dec 28, 2023 6:35:20 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Dec 28, 2023 6:35:20 GMT -6
Five cannibals are hired as employees in a company.
Their first day at the company the boss tells them:
Now you are part of the group, here you earn well, and if you are hungry you can go to the company canteen. So please, do not bother other employees!
The cannibals promise not to disturb others.
Four weeks later the boss comes back to the cannibals and tells them:
You are all working well, I am very satisfied with you, the company is doing very well. But yesterday one of the cleaning girls disappeared, the offices are dirty. Do any of you know what happened?
All cannibals say they know nothing about the girl.
But after the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals asks the others:
Which of you idiots ate the girl?
One hesitantly raises his hand, and the leader of the cannibals reproaches him:
Imbecile! For four weeks we ate senior executives, area managers, and product managers, so that no one noticed anything, and you ..... you, did you really have to eat the cleaning lady?!?
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Jokes
Dec 29, 2023 6:17:37 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Dec 29, 2023 6:17:37 GMT -6
A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan.
The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
"What in the world is this?"
The bartender says, "Central Park."
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Jokes
Dec 30, 2023 7:20:52 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Dec 30, 2023 7:20:52 GMT -6
Last night at dinner time, my wife offered her mother, whose throat was very sore, a choice between soup or the flounder she was preparing.
The ensuing conversation was soup-or-fish-al.
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Jokes
Dec 31, 2023 5:06:04 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Dec 31, 2023 5:06:04 GMT -6
Two men have been friends since school. One is now a lawyer, the other a farmer...
They stay friends. Years later the lawyer goes to visit the farmer for the weekend. The lawyer arrives at the farm mid afternoon. There are still many unfinished chores and the farmer hasn't time to be a good host until the chores are done.
The farmer says to his friend "I'll be a couple of hours so why don't you go shooting. Grab one of my shotguns, here's the key to my off road truck, take a few dogs and we'll see you a bit later".
Off goes the lawyer.
Five minutes later the lawyer returns. The farmer is confused. He asks the lawyer if everything is ok.
The lawyer replies. "Everything's great. This is so much fun. Do you have any more dogs"?
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Jokes
Jan 1, 2024 6:13:50 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Jan 1, 2024 6:13:50 GMT -6
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating afterward. She'd even killed her own father this way.
The Queen was desperate to remove this terrible curse and thus announced a challenge to the entire land: Whoever managed to find some sort of object that would not melt in her own hands and use that object to cover her entire hand as a form of protection would receive a grand reward. They would earn half the entire kingdom's treasury while suitable males could marry her.
Many came and failed horribly. Some of these things included steel gauntlets, diamond blocks, rare artefacts from the whole world and even a block of strange material provided by a wizard who said it could withstand being thrown into a volcano.
One day, a strange blinding light appeared in the throne room, where the princess and queen were. When the light died down, a strange-looking man in extremely simple clothes appeared. The guards were about to arrest him, but the queen gave them orders not to. She had hopes this was the person who could neutralize the curse.
"Who are you?" asked the queen.
"I heard your request from the other end of the earth, Your Majesty. I don't care about your rewards, just let me show you this."
The man took out a even stranger pair of rainbow-colored gloves. It appeared to be made of many small beads all joined together somehow.
"Please put it on, princess."
The princess stepped forward nervously as always and reached out her palms towards the man, who then dropped the gloves on her.
One...
Two...
Three...
It did not melt.
The queen was absolutely delighted (and so were the guards) to see this success, but curious on how this was achieved.
"Pardon me, but what is the secret behind these gloves? What are they made of?"
"Your Majesty, these gloves are made of this."
He pulls out a brown packet of the materials used to make the gloves.
"I call it M&M's. They melt in your mouth, but not your hand!"
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Jokes
Jan 2, 2024 5:36:34 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Jan 2, 2024 5:36:34 GMT -6
The plane turbine says to the candy...
"What kind of music do you listen to?"
The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"
The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan."
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2024 6:17:34 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by Don Sims on Jan 4, 2024 6:17:34 GMT -6
"Dad, I wanna a pet elephant!"
"Sorry, but that's not possible. We wouldn't even be able to feed it properly!"
"Get me one from the zoo then, you're not supposed to feed those ones!"
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Jokes
Jan 5, 2024 5:39:42 GMT -6
Post by Don Sims on Jan 5, 2024 5:39:42 GMT -6
A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.
The man tells the officer that he doesn't need a fishing license.
The wildlife officer looks down at the bucket and says, "You definitely need a license to be catching fish, I can see that you've been fishing today. You have live fish right there."
The man says, "Oh no, those are my pet fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake."
"Pet fish?" replied the wildlife officer
"Oh absolutely, I let them out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when I whistle they all jump right back in. They are very well trained."
The wildlife officers scratches his chin, then says, "I've never heard such a thing. Well I've got to see this."
The man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, then calmly turns and looks at the wildlife officer.
The wildlife officer says, "Well, call them back. "
The man says, "Call who back?"
The wild life officer says, "Your pet fish."
"What fish?" replied the man.
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2024 6:56:14 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by Don Sims on Jan 6, 2024 6:56:14 GMT -6
An old man has a pet mongoose who gives birth.
Deciding he can't look after the mongoose and the pup he decides to donate them to the zoo and writes a letter to explain:
Dear zoo,
I would like to donate two ~~mongooses~~ ~~mongeeses~~ ~~mongi~~
.
.
.
Dear zoo,
I would like to donate one mongoose.
PS here is another.
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2024 5:39:26 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by Don Sims on Jan 7, 2024 5:39:26 GMT -6
If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?
Annoying
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wildflyer
Global Moderator 
Moderator
Posts: 57 
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Post by wildflyer on Jan 10, 2024 14:24:56 GMT -6
A group of Baboons is called a Congress.
That explains a lot, doesn't it?
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2024 7:01:34 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by Don Sims on Jan 15, 2024 7:01:34 GMT -6
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says: "Fencing."
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2024 5:40:57 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by Don Sims on Jan 17, 2024 5:40:57 GMT -6
My pet snail...
... was horrible at racing. It was just a bit too slow and kept getting edged out by the other snails at the finish line.
So, I removed its shell to reduce weight and hopefully make it a bit faster...
but the darn thing just got even more sluggish.
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Jokes
Jan 19, 2024 7:05:47 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by Don Sims on Jan 19, 2024 7:05:47 GMT -6
An angel, visiting earth, comes down to a park. In the middle of the park, the angel is rather taken by a beautiful statue depicting a lovelorn couple in bronze, yearning for each other.
The angel’s heart melts at the romance and the beauty, so perfectly captured by the artist, and decides to bring them to life. The couple blinks, awaking confused, as the angel says to them, “I have granted you one hour of life, please go and do with it what you most desire.”
The two smile lovingly at each other, break out into laughter and run off into the bushes, holding hands.
The angel averts its eyes but can hear a fair commotion from the bushes. Forty minutes later the couple re-emerges, breathless.
“Oh but you still have 20 minutes!” says the angel.
The couple looks at each other for a few seconds, pondering, and then the boy says to the girl,
“OK, this time YOU hold down the pigeon while I poop on its head.”
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Jokes
Jan 22, 2024 18:17:26 GMT -6
via mobile
Post by Don Sims on Jan 22, 2024 18:17:26 GMT -6
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing!"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it..
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
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