Jokes

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks,

"What'll ya have?"

The robot says, "Well, it's been a long day and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?"

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dares the professor to eat it for $10,000. The senior professor, eager to recover his reckless bet, eats it.

After a few minutes of walking silently, the younger professor finally says - “Looks like we’ve both eaten a dead rat for free.”

The older professor remarks, “But don’t forget, we just added $ 20,000 to the GDP!”

I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.”

I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my love of lettuce. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

I'm sitting in a jail cell, and it's killing me that I was arrested for something so stupid.

On a dare, I robbed a kitchen supply store. Sure, the expensive knives would have been great, and who doesn't want a food processor?

But all in all, it just wasn't worth the whisk.

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables.

When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown great.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked, and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty.

Secondly she has really awful bad breath and even her cat won't come near her.

Pleased with her lips, however, and spotting a money-making idea, she contacts a big cosmetics company and explains about the lip-enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.

After a month of testing the company buys the entire crop of cauliflowers for a phenomenal amount and requests that Mary grow some more as soon as possible.

The company proceeds to make lipstick out of them but experiences problems in the the final product manufacture. The lipstick does not gel correctly into a solid stick and ends up crumbling upon application. Quality controllers also find that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remains and have to put it down as an unfortunate side effect.

As they are nearing their production deadline and adverts for this new wonder lip enhancer have hit the streets, the cosmetics company has no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution.

Poppins' Pop-up Lip Enhancer:

SUPER CAULI, FRAGILE LIPSTICK - EXPECT-HALITOSIS

An explorer, during a trek through an unknown jungle, made contact with a primitive tribe, and swapped basic language and customs. The day comes for the explorer to depart and, as a parting gift, he gives a fine silver mirror to the chief of the tribe.

The chief takes the mirror in awe, and as the explorer explains it’s basic function, starts to gaze lovingly at the back of the mirror, admiring the patterning. This goes on for a little while, until the explorer at last says

‘You are supposed to look at the other side!’

The chief turns the mirror around briefly, flips it back and grunts ’Bah, picture of savage on back’.