Jokes

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”

“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?” “A fottle, replies the inventor.” “A fottle? That’s a stupid name! Can’t you think of something else?”

“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.” “And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.

“A farton”, replies the inventor. “That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” says the inventor… “You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”

A couple of hunters go out into an unfamiliar woods.

They're stopped by the Game Warden who asks them, "I don't recognize you fellers from around here. Do you boys know your way around these here woods?"

"Well no, but we can find our way out after we get our deer."

"Okay, but if you do happen to get lost, just fire 3 shots in the air. That's the universal signal for rescue."

After about half the day of wandering around the two resign themselves to be hopelessly lost.

So one of the hunters fire 3 shots in the air.

After a couple of hours with no sign of rescue, the other hunter fires 3 shots up in the air.

They do this twice more and still no one comes to their aid.

Finally one of the hunters says, "It's going to be dark soon. I'm going fire 3 more shots in the air.

I sure hope someone shows up soon. These are my last 3 arrows!"

Holmes and Watson are visiting the Mediterranean on holiday. One late morning, Watson returns from a long walk.

"Holmes! I have just seen the oddest thing "

"And what would that be, my dear fellow"

"A large bush, slightly thorny, and bearing sour yellow fruits popular with the locals, whatever is it?"

"That, my dear Watson, is a lemon tree"

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, "Coco Chanel $900 per ounce."

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she lets one rip.

Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. What's the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

He's making a list,

he's checking it twice.

He left it at home,

He's texting his wife.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, given him a bath, and put him back into the cage. And now, weirdest of all: even though he's dead, his little left paw keeps moving back and forth, back and forth, back and forth."

The guy runs back to his house, digs through the shampoo he used when he washed the rabbit, and his worst fears are confirmed. Right there on the label:

Permanent Wave For Damaged Hare.