Jokes

Two old men in a pub that have been friends for decades are talking about golfing.

One of them took a drink of his bitter and then asked the other "Now, I know the game can sometimes frustrate us all. But have you ever been in such a deep desperate situation where you got so angry that you picked up your clubs and hurled them into the lake near the course?"

But before the other old man could answer the question, the first said "I know you've had to have done it at least once. Because I found your clubs while I was looking for mine."

Two retirees, George and Sam, have been playing golf every Saturday for decades. Always the same time, same course. They leave their houses at 10 AM, get home at 3 PM.

One Saturday, Sam isn't home at 3 ... nor 4 ... 4:30. Finally at around five he staggers in, haggard, disheveled. In short, he looks like hell.

"Sam you look awful!" said his wife. "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"It was terrible!" Sam replied. "Worst day of my life. George and I were halfway down the first fairway when he clutched his chest and fell over, stone dead. His heart must have given out!"

"Oh dear," says the wife. "He was your best friend in the whole world! What did you do?"

"What could I do?" says Sam. "For the rest of the round, it was hit the ball, drag George; hit the ball, drag George."

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed."

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants."

A minor league baseball pitcher visits the baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he goes alone and sees a horse near the dugout that seems to be wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team he'll be playing against the next day. Surprised, he laughs and wonders if this is supposed the opposing team's mascot. He approaches the horse to pet it.

"Well what are you doing here?" The pitcher asks smiling while trying to touch the horse's mane.

Suddenly, the horse stands up on his hind legs and says to the pitcher, "Oh I'm just here making sure there's a good space for our coolers in the the dugout."

The pitcher falls to the ground in confusion and horror. "*You can* ***talk?!***"

"Why yes I can!" The horse says, laughing.

With thoughts racing through his head, wondering if he's losing his mind or if he'd been drugged earlier without his knowledge, the pitcher bellows out, "How on Earth can you talk?!"

"I'm a very unusual horse!" The horse replies. "I'm here to get familiar with the place before the big game tomorrow."

"You can play *baseball?!* How?!" Still horrified, the pitcher manages to stand on his feet.

"Oh I just use the horseshoes on my hooves to throw the ball," the horse says. "I'm the pitcher."

"*I'm* a pitcher!" the pitcher exclaims. "We're playing you tomorrow! No one ever said they had a horse on their team! How is this even possible?!"

The horse laughs, "I'm used to people being a little uncomfortable with me at first. But I don't just pitch! I'm very good on first base as well!"

The pitcher starts to relax a little and becomes increasingly curious.

"You play first base?!" The pitcher asks.

"Yes," says the horse. "In fact, I only made it into the minor leagues because of how well I play first base. And I play second base even better!"

"You play second base, too?!" The pitcher asks.

"Yes," says the horse. "In fact, I was almost drafted into the major leagues last year because of how good I played second base."

"Can you play third base?" The pitcher asks.

The horse, jutting his head backwards, looks at the pitcher like he's a complete idiot and says,"That's crazy. Who ever heard of a *horse* playing third base?"

"This morning, my neighbor spoke to me, so I did what I had to do.

I strapped a monitor to my ankle, went outside with my shirt on inside-out, and had an argument with a pine tree.

That should hold them off for a while."

My wife shouted at me...

You're so useless! You never tidy up or help with the housework, you're lazy and stupid and I bet you don't even know how to keep a house tidy!

I decided to prove her wrong so I did the washing up, ha! You should have seen her face when I showed her I knew how to load the dishes into the tumble dryer...

A lawyer was out golfing

At the fifth hole, he was setting up his putt when he was suddenly smacked in the side of the head by a golf ball.

As the other golfer came running over, the lawyer pulled out his phone to take pictures of his head. When the golfer reached him the lawyer said "I'm a lawyer, and that shot's going to cost you five thousand dollars!"

The golfer said "I'm very sorry, but after all- I yelled "FORE!"

And then the lawyer said "I'll take it."