Jokes

A man walks into his dining room. As he enters, he notices a strange looking wooden chair among some other chairs at a table.

“Huh, that’s strange.”

“What’s strange?” his wife asks, who just happened to be walking by while brushing her hair.

“That chair over there.”

“Which one?”

The man looks at the chair, and realizes there’s a carving of eyes on it.

“The one with the peculiar stare.”

“Huh, you’re right. That chair over there does have a peculiar stare. I only realized now after I overheard you while I was brushing my hair. I’ll have my brother look at it tomorrow, he’s a carpenter.”

The next day, the wife has her brother examine the chair.

He says afterward, “You’re right, this chair has quite the peculiar stare. While I was lookin’ at it, it scared me with its glare. Even now, it still does as it sits right there. Any chair with this carving is very expensive, almost nothing can compare. You should auction it off and give the money you make to charity, it’s only fair."

A week later, there’s an auction for the chair. Before the bids start, the man explains how he came across it.

“Well you see, I was walking through my house, and then I suddenly noticed this chair. It seemed like it just popped out of nowhere. My wife overheard my shock while she was brushing her hair. She took it to her brother, who took note of its peculiar stare. He said it was very expensive and that it scared him with its glare. So since it costs a lot of money, we realized we had a lot of things to prepare. So now we’re gonna sell it and give the money we make to charity, it’s only fair.”

A person in the audience then raises their hand.

“Yes sir, do you have a question about the chair with the peculiar stare?”

And the audience member says, “No, I’m just wondering why the heck you’re rhyming so much.”

Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o’clock in the morning.
He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, “Dogs must be carried on the escalator.”
he thought, “God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?”

How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.

2. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.

3. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.

4. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).

5. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.

6. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

A boy ate some coins for fun and his parents took him to the hospital.

One hour later the parents asked the nurse how it was going.

"No change yet.”

I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.

Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:

It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...

A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

He knows nothing about the game so when the first batter got walked, the Scotsman asked the fans next to him what happened.

"He got four balls, so he gets to go to first base freely," to which the Scotsman stood, and clapping loudly, shouted, "Walk proud, lad! Walk proud!"

Every evening I assure myself that 5 hours of sleep is more than enough for a healthy adult who's not a complete wuss.

Every morning, I could punch myself in the face for that.