Jokes

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 911.

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"

"OK sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour."

"An hour?! But they'll be long gone by then!"

"I'm sorry sir but there are no officers in your area."

The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.

"Hi, it's me again. Don't worry about sending those cops, I've just shot the robbers", and he hangs up.

Less than 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested. The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.

"What's going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!"

"You said there were no officers in my area."

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.

“Nothing” I slurred.

“Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 15 dollar bill for me," one of them says.

"Oh, sure, no problem," the cashier says. The counterfeiters grin at each other.

"I told you," the one whispers to the other, and they fist bump.

Then the cashier says to them, "So, do you want an 8 and a 7, or two 3's and a 9?"