Jokes

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 911.

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"

"OK sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour."

"An hour?! But they'll be long gone by then!"

"I'm sorry sir but there are no officers in your area."

The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.

"Hi, it's me again. Don't worry about sending those cops, I've just shot the robbers", and he hangs up.

Less than 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested. The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.

"What's going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!"

"You said there were no officers in my area."

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.

“Nothing” I slurred.

“Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 15 dollar bill for me," one of them says.

"Oh, sure, no problem," the cashier says. The counterfeiters grin at each other.

"I told you," the one whispers to the other, and they fist bump.

Then the cashier says to them, "So, do you want an 8 and a 7, or two 3's and a 9?"

A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they ask him.

"I would love to! As a matter of fact, I'm a justice too, so I could even wed you two in the same day!" he replied.

So it was settled, and the man showed up to their wedding, and wed the two together. Everything was going just perfect until the reception... Every song the man sang was just horrendous, he was off key in every verse, and at some points even forgot the lyrics.

The moral of the story is, never book a judge by his cover.

A man was getting his physical exam. The doctor had the man lay down while he was doing the physical exam.

The patient said, “Will I be okay, doc?” The doctor replied, “I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.”

Surprised, the patient replied, “I don’t believe in that astrology stuff.”

The doctor responded, “I don’t either. My thermometer just broke!”

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,

"Dad, can I take Daisy for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you."

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent.

"Ok, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Lulu left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash...

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Daisy?"

Lulu said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home!"

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but again comes back later.

“Book-book-book.”

“Three books?”

“Book-book-book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she’ll follow the chicken and find out what’s going on.

The chicken goes down the alley, out of town and toward the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog.

The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says, “Reddit…Reddit…Reddit…”