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Jokes
Apr 22, 2024 4:37:00 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 22, 2024 4:37:00 GMT -6
A teacher asked Jamaal what his father did...
Jamaal: My father is a doctor.
Teacher: Susie what about your father?
Susie: He is a lawyer.
Teacher: William?
William: My father...he’s passed.
Teacher: I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?
William: He clutched his chest and collapsed.
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Jokes
Apr 23, 2024 5:07:45 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 23, 2024 5:07:45 GMT -6
I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”
“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”
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Jokes
Apr 24, 2024 5:41:51 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 24, 2024 5:41:51 GMT -6
A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.
He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.
“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand is raised.
“Miss Butcher your surname originated in England amongst those who practiced the butchering of animals. Over time the profession attached itself to the family. Does anyone else know the origin of their name?”
Soon a Mr Baker and Mr Smith have raised their hands and explained the origin of their names. But looking down the list of students there is a very difficult name that the Professor has never come across before.
“Is there a Miss EFXFGAHLTYABGER here?” A hand goes up “And can I ask Miss, what is it that your family did?”
“We made eye charts.”
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Jokes
Apr 30, 2024 5:57:41 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 30, 2024 5:57:41 GMT -6
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
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Jokes
May 1, 2024 5:06:39 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 1, 2024 5:06:39 GMT -6
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."
His friend replies, "What do you mean?"
"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
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Post by abuelobill on May 1, 2024 8:35:33 GMT -6
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them." Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?" "DeNephew." Don't forget the boys, Pete and RePete.
Or the girls, Grace and DisGrace.
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Jokes
May 2, 2024 4:40:31 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 2, 2024 4:40:31 GMT -6
In honor of Star Wars Day - May the Fourth - here is an onslaught of Star Wars jokes!
My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters. My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.
My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D... ... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.
Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns... Then you’re looking in Alderaan places.
My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you." "May divorce be with you!!" I replied.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3? In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray? HDMI
Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun? Luke-Warm
Han solo: Yoda are we going the right way? Yoda: Off course we are
I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea. I am going to call it Boba Fetish.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant. He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars? Me: well of course I know him, he is me
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Jokes
May 5, 2024 5:47:23 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 5, 2024 5:47:23 GMT -6
No Sex Tonight 😥
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?" I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. Women......!
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Jokes
May 8, 2024 5:35:19 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 8, 2024 5:35:19 GMT -6
A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.
As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.
The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.
"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now I'm gonna be late for my appointment. You better believe you're gonna regret this day!"
The farmer calmly surveyed the scene. "Look, young fella, you're all worked up. Neither one of us is hurt -- it's just our rides that are a little banged up," he said. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out a hip flask and offered it to the lawyer. "Here, why don't you take a slug of this whiskey. It'll help you calm down."
After a moment, the lawyer accepted and took a deep drink. A bit later, he tipped up the flask and took another swig. Then he returned it to the farmer, who closed the flask and put it away.
"Don't you want any yourself?" asked the lawyer.
"Not just yet," answered the farmer. "I'll wait until after the police leave."
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Jokes
May 9, 2024 5:00:46 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 9, 2024 5:00:46 GMT -6
Optimist: "Things happen for a reason!"
Pessimist: "Things are just random and meaningless."
Me: "Things? What things? I wasn't told about any things!"
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Jokes
May 11, 2024 5:47:42 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 11, 2024 5:47:42 GMT -6
I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?
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Jokes
May 11, 2024 5:52:28 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 11, 2024 5:52:28 GMT -6
An elderly couple make an appointment with a divorce attorney.
The attorney is perplexed
“You’re over 90 years old, and you’ve been married for close to 7 decades! Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?"
The couple look at each other:
“We wanted to wait until the kids died.”
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Jokes
May 12, 2024 6:10:52 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 12, 2024 6:10:52 GMT -6
You know the economy is bad...
When you pull into the McDonald's drive thru and the person at the speaker asks...
Can you afford fries with that?
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Jokes
May 13, 2024 4:54:18 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 13, 2024 4:54:18 GMT -6
One day, Hot Dog Bun Boy came home from school...
His mother saw him come in looking pretty glum and asked, "What's the matter Hot Dog Bun Boy? Did something happen?
Hot Dog Bun Boy replied, "I was in my history class and it's so frustrating that there are no lessons at all about Hot Dog Buns like us! It's so unfair!"
The mother came up to Hot Dog Bun Boy and gave him a consoling hug. She then said, "I know son, it's not fair. But in the end, history is written by the wieners."
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Jokes
May 14, 2024 4:09:04 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on May 14, 2024 4:09:04 GMT -6
Patient: Every day at 8 AM I poop.
Doctor: This is good, what is the problem?
Patient: I wake up at 9.
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