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Jokes
Mar 31, 2024 7:36:21 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 31, 2024 7:36:21 GMT -6
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe...
... the German government predicts an imminent shortage of sausage and cheese, and are formulating a plan for emergency intervention to deal with this impending crisis.
They're referring to the plan as their Wurst/Kase scenario.
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Jokes
Apr 1, 2024 4:37:24 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 1, 2024 4:37:24 GMT -6
Dmitri and Vladimir just arrived in New York City and are walking around the city when they see a hot dog stand.
They decide to try their first taste of American food and order a hot dog each. Dmitri unwraps his, closes it and peeks again.
Turning to Vladimir he asks “Hey, Vlad, what part of dog did you get?”
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2024 5:02:09 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 2, 2024 5:02:09 GMT -6
A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound. Fly: What kind of dog are you? Dog: I'm a wolf hound. Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that? Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf. Fly: I see... Dog: So, what kind of fly are you? Fly: I'm a horse-fly. Dog: **NO WAAAAAYYY!!!**
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Jokes
Apr 6, 2024 7:43:06 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 6, 2024 7:43:06 GMT -6
There’s the story of an old lady selling pretzels for 25 cents on a corner in New York.
Every day a young man passes her at lunchtime and drops a quarter in the cup but doesn’t take a pretzel.
She never says a word. He does this for three years, until one day he drops the quarter in her cup and she finally speaks.
“They’re 35 cents now.”
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Jokes
Apr 6, 2024 7:46:09 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 6, 2024 7:46:09 GMT -6
A builder, pastor and professional golfer went deer hunting together. They were all novices, but wanted to try it.
They had been out all day and towards dusk they all spotted a 5 point buck at the same time. They each took aim and 3 shots were fired at the moving target. The buck went down, so they rushed over to make sure it was dead. It was, so they started to discuss who had actually hit it.
As they were discussing it, a game warden happened along and asked what the problem was. They told him, and he said for them to stand back and he would try to figure it out based on the bullet hole and the rifles that were being used.
After only a couple minutes, he came to them and said that the pastor was the one who hit the deer. The three wondered how he could figure it out so fast. The warden said the bullet went in one ear and came out the other.
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2024 8:20:40 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 7, 2024 8:20:40 GMT -6
A woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce global competition, and low wages in third-world countries, I can only grant you one wish. So, . . . what shall it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Good Lord! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a few minutes and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for — a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that map again!"
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Jokes
Apr 8, 2024 5:57:57 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 8, 2024 5:57:57 GMT -6
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign for the special of the day: hot dogs -- regular, bun length, foot-long and colossal.
"Give me two hot dogs," the guy tells the bartender.
"How long do you want 'em?" the bartender asks.
"Oh," the guy replies, "I thought I'd get to keep them."
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Jokes
Apr 9, 2024 6:14:57 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 9, 2024 6:14:57 GMT -6
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...
She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."
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Jokes
Apr 12, 2024 6:13:23 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 12, 2024 6:13:23 GMT -6
Two guys were playing golf. The hole they were on ran alongside a main road.
As a funeral procession passed bye, one of the guys took his hat off and bowed his head.
Afterwards the other guy commented, "That was awful thoughtful of you".
The other guy replies, "It's the least I could do, we were married for 43 years".
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Jokes
Apr 13, 2024 6:49:26 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 13, 2024 6:49:26 GMT -6
A land owner has caught a trespasser on his land.
"Didn't you see my sign that said, Private. Trespassers will be prosecuted?"
"Well, it's like this. I saw the sign, but when I read 'Private', I didn't read any further 'cause I thought it wasn't any of my business."
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Jokes
Apr 13, 2024 6:53:23 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 13, 2024 6:53:23 GMT -6
There’s a boy named Bonnie.
He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.
But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.
She says yes, and he is so happy.
After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him.
She says yes, and he is so happy.
When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be with her.
The wife names the baby ‟Love”.
Love grows up and now she starts to be made fun of because of her weird name.
She comes home from school one day screaming at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
He takes blame, wanting to protect his wife, and apologizes.
Love says he ruined her life.
She shoots hm and runs away...
Finally the wife comes home, sees Bonnie lying on the ground, screams and runs to him
‟Bonnie! What happened?!”
He beckons her to come closer, and he whispers in her ear: *‟Shot through the heart. And you’re to blame. Darling yu gave Love a bad name.”*
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Jokes
Apr 14, 2024 7:28:38 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 14, 2024 7:28:38 GMT -6
A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...
...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in the tea houses or restaurants in the city, they see the same man spending lots of money and boasting that he is in fact a smuggler and that no one can catch him.
Every day, incensed at his bold claims, the tax collectors obsessively search his bags of straw. They sift the straw, cut it into pieces, rip open the fabric of his bags, attempt to burn the straw, check his hat, his beard and even cut open his shoes in the hope of finding coins between the leather. And yet, each evening, he is seen back in the city growing ever more prosperous and ever more brazen, even offering to pay for the tax collectors meals and drinks while continuing to tell stories of his wily smuggling. The tax collectors continue their futile interrogations of the straw bags for years, to no avail.
This continues until, now a prosperous man, the smuggler moves away to another city and settles down to enjoy his wealth. Years pass and one day, in the market, one of the retired tax collectors meets his old foe and asks,
'Mister, many years have passed: I am no longer a tax collector and we are just two old men. Please, you can tell me, what was it you were smuggling all that time?'
The smuggler replied, 'Donkeys.'
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Jokes
Apr 18, 2024 4:24:06 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 18, 2024 4:24:06 GMT -6
I'm old.
I'm going to put two spaces and a period between sentences, and I'm not gonna apologize for it....
Now get off of my lawn!
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Jokes
Apr 18, 2024 4:26:08 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 18, 2024 4:26:08 GMT -6
A man set up a hot dog stand across the street from a bank. An acquaintance of his was walking by and approached him.
After a few pleasantries, the acquaintance asked, "listen, I've been going through some hard times, could you loan me some cash?"
"Sorry," said the hot dog seller. "I have a non-compete agreement with this bank across the street."
"What kind of non-compete agreement?" asked the acquaintance.
"I don't give out loans," said the hot dog seller, "and they are not selling hot dogs."
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Jokes
Apr 19, 2024 5:32:14 GMT -6
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 19, 2024 5:32:14 GMT -6
Back in the depression, a man had no money to feed his children, and jobs were very hard to find. He found an ad in the paper for a worker at a zoo. He thought it was maybe a job feeding the animals, or cleaning up. But the job was to be a monkey in a cage, since they did not have one. He had no choice but to take it.
After several weeks, he became very much used to it, he could hang from the limbs by his feet, he sounded like a monkey, and he ate monkey food. As a matte of fact, in about 4 months, he looked just like a monkey.
Then one day while swinging from limb to limb, the limb snapped, and the man fell into the lion cage. He began to yell for help, hollering for some one to get him out, that the lion would eat him.
The lion walked over to him and said. " be quiet, or they will fire both of us "
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