Jokes

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?"

Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen:

"Fishing in Florida."

Little Johnny laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.

After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: "Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida."

Two men were catching fish like crazy in a lake. One fisherman told the other one to mark this spot, so we can find it the next time. The man put an X on the side of the boat. When they got back to the dock, the other man said " I hope we get this same boat the next time"

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?”

Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant: “Weight?”

Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”

Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed

Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”

Husband: “Changes a couple times a year.nMaybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in

Husband: “She went in my Audi”

Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?”

Husband: (sobbing)

“Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”

Why I’m single - a transcript of my first date with an ornithologist
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Ornithologist: Actually, I’m an ornithologist.
Me: Oh, really? Knock, knock!
Ornithologist (*smiling overbearingly*): Who’s there?
Me: A woodpecker! And you call yourself an ornithologist?
Ornithologist (*trying not to roll eyes*): Good one...
Me (*embarrassed*): Oh God, I’m SO sorry! I just couldn’t help myself! I’m actually a very nice person, I promise!
Ornithologist (*smiling politely*): That’s fine. I’ve heard worse.
Me: Please, let’s just start over, shall we?

Ornithologist: Ok!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Ornithologist: Well, I’m an ornithologist.
Me: Oh, really? Knock, knock!
Ornithologist (*hesitantly*): Who’s there?
Me: Woodpeckers.
Ornithologist: Woodpeckers who?
Me: No, that’s the owl. And you call yourself an ornithologist?

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, "OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800."

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks how long it will take. The plumber responds, "Well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair."

The lawyer smirks and says, "Two hours? For $800? Thats $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer and my hourly rate is $350 / hour!"

The plumber nods and says, "Yes, sir, I understand. Why is it you think I gave up my law practice?"

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone