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Post by Don Sims on Feb 29, 2024 6:46:36 GMT -6
I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes
Gaslighting.
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 6, 2024 5:38:38 GMT -6
If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,
Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 7, 2024 6:19:27 GMT -6
As I was driving to work one day, I spotted a guy standing out in a large field next to a telescope. He wasn't using the scope, just standing next to it.
On my way home the same guy is there, just standing in a large field with a telescope.
This scene repeated itself for a few more days, every time I drove past this large field.
Finally, my curiosity go the best of me. I pulled over and walked up to the guy and asked what he was up to.
His reply...I'm an astronomer, and want to be known as an astronomer who is outstanding in his field.
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 9, 2024 6:56:53 GMT -6
Did you know nuclear energy is vegan?
100% plant produced.
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 10, 2024 6:59:01 GMT -6
The leading zoologist gets a phone call one day from a desperate zoo, asking him to come right away and they will pay double.
He gets to the zoo and talks to the head keeper who explains that unfortunately while they were moving the animals around it seems like one of the zebra’s has got pregnant. The odd thing is that the only things the zebra has been in contact with are the hippo and the buffalo.
The zoologist does all his checks to confirm that the zebra will be ok and agrees to come back in a few months to help out.
Eventually he gets a call to come back and finds an odd looking creature, but they are unable to determine what hybrid the baby is until the zoologist comes up with a good idea
“If we weigh it, we should be able to determine what it is,” he says to the keeper.
“Really?!” says the keeper, “you can tell what hybrid it is just from the weight?”
“Well…” the zoologist responds, “from experience a Zuffalo is quite heavy…”
“And a Zippo is a little lighter.”
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 11, 2024 5:51:03 GMT -6
A Panda walks into a bar
where a man and a woman had already been sharing drinks. They whip their heads around and exclaim, "A panda! Bartender, there's a panda in here!"
Not wanting to be rude, the bartender invites the panda to have a seat at the bar. The panda, to the disbelief of those watching, orders a beer and some wings and enjoys his tasty meal while the man and woman gawk in amazement.
When it comes time to pay the bill, the panda gets up, pulls out a gun, shoots the bartender, and runs off into the night.
Police are on the scene immediately and have trouble believing the man and woman's story, that a panda had come in, ordered wings, and shot the bartender. It wasn't until a zoologist was brought onto the scene that the story became clear. After hearing the full story the zoologist seemed to understand perfectly.
"Aw, that makes perfect sense," said the zoologist.
"Really? How does it make any sense at all," asked the police officer.
"Well, you see," replies the zoologist, "It's just the panda's nature. A panda eats shoots and leaves."
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 12, 2024 4:54:54 GMT -6
There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other.
Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them.
"You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it."
Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes.
He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 14, 2024 5:58:47 GMT -6
I was walking through the park and I see a group of guys with pencils and paper writing things down. I say, "Hey guys, what's up?"
They say, "We're counting crows."
I get very excited and I say, "Oh my God, I love your music!"
One of them frowns and replies, "We're zoologists."
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 16, 2024 6:08:58 GMT -6
- Hi, my name is computer.
- Hi, I'm virus! Where are you from?
- I'm from USA. And you?
- I'm from USB!
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 27, 2024 4:47:11 GMT -6
I met a girl who used to take care of owls for rich people who had them as pets.
I asked her if she was an ornithologist. She was not. I said, "So you're just like a bird baby sitter?" "Of course not"., she replied.
"I'm a Hootenanny."
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 30, 2024 6:08:07 GMT -6
We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous.
Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested that the lost digit be replaced by hard candy.
Doctors say that he now affectionately refers to it as his tic-tac-toe.
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Post by Don Sims on Mar 31, 2024 7:38:32 GMT -6
Yesterday my computer beat me in a chess game.
It’s still no match for me at kickboxing though.
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 1, 2024 4:46:38 GMT -6
Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the nigh
Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."
Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty dark to find a mouse."
Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."
Bird 2: "I guess.."
*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 sees his pal flying back with a juicy beakful of blood.*
Bird 2: "Wow! Where did you find a feast like that?"
Bird 1: "See that tree over there?"
Bird 2: "Yeah"
Bird 1: "Well, I didn't."
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 2, 2024 5:05:51 GMT -6
I was going to make a joke about destroying energy
but it doesn't matter
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Post by Don Sims on Apr 4, 2024 5:57:18 GMT -6
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.
At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.
The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
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