Science side

New York City is like Linux

* Spend the first year re-learning how to perform basic tasks
* Spend the rest of your lifetime claiming how much better it is
* Bad drivers

Why do astronauts use Linux?

Because you can't open windows in space.

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn would, but it would have the mental capacity of a human being. Dr. Holmes instantly took a liking to the young deer, who he considered to be the son he had never had. He nurtured it tenderly and provided the fawn with all he desired.

Once the deer had begun to mature, Dr. Holmes decided it was time to begin homeschooling the young buck. He taught him to read, write, and speak. Next, he taught him basic arithmetic. Of course, Dr. Holmes decided to teach him science as well.

They started with geology. Unlike the other subjects, the deer struggled from the get-go, failing to grasp any of the basic concepts. One day, the doctor announced a pop quiz. He would hold up a picture of a rock, and the deer would have to identify it. The first rock was a light tan rock.

“Is it an igneous rock?” asked the young buck.

The doctor shook his head.

“Hmm, metamorphic?” the deer tried again.

The doctor shook his head once more. Dr. Holmes then looked at his creation, sighed, and said disappointingly, “It’s sedimentary, my deer bot son.”

Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog Morse code!

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: What did it say?

Scientist: "Woof."

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?

A mathemortician.

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist...

...had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."