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Post by Don Sims on Dec 22, 2023 5:51:40 GMT -6
Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:
AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting.
MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus.” Instead, it’s an “electronic microorganism.”
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Post by Don Sims on Dec 23, 2023 6:25:52 GMT -6
A car gets pulled over by a cop.
Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 110 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and says, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the three men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat", Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
The cop proceeds to arrest the three.
Ohm resists and gets tased.
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Post by Don Sims on Dec 27, 2023 5:56:32 GMT -6
What is the difference between a long term spouse and a volcano?
With enough years of study and observation, one can predict a volcano’s explosive tendencies.
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Post by Don Sims on Dec 28, 2023 6:42:35 GMT -6
A kid in my school did a project on the history of rocket science.
It was a blast to the past.
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Post by Don Sims on Dec 29, 2023 6:21:38 GMT -6
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven
...where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.
"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."
"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.
"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.
Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."
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Post by Don Sims on Dec 31, 2023 5:11:23 GMT -6
The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living.
He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight.
After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical horses of uniform density applying a uniform force in a closed system and a vacuum."
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 1, 2024 6:18:43 GMT -6
3 operating systems walk into a bar
The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."
The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"
The third says "I'm Linux. I'll have some water, hops, barley and yeast please."
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 2, 2024 5:32:31 GMT -6
The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...
Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano...
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 3, 2024 6:41:12 GMT -6
Some one just called my phone, sneezed loudly, and hung up.
I'm getting tired of these cold calls.
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 5, 2024 5:47:58 GMT -6
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 6, 2024 6:51:46 GMT -6
A scientist finds a crashed alien spaceship
An alien is still alive and the scientist helps him fix the spaceship so the alien can go back home.
As a sign of gratitude, the alien tells the scientist that he will answer him a single question, whatever it is or however it's formulated. As the alien was about to take off, the scientist finally comes up with a question.
"What is the best question that I could possibly ask you in this situation and what is the answer to it?", the scientist asked.
"The best question is the one you just asked, and the answer to it is the one I just gave you", says the alien and flies away
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 7, 2024 5:30:43 GMT -6
What do you get when you have Windows and Mac OS X dual booting from the same computer?
A co-operating system
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 15, 2024 6:59:25 GMT -6
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 17, 2024 5:24:49 GMT -6
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.
After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open them.
The engineer promptly begins to throw his can as hard as he can against the wall of the mine, over and over, until it somehow breaks open. He proceeds to devour his meal in satisfaction.
Meanwhile, the physicist proceeds to analyze the structure of the can, looking for any potential weak spots in it to exploit. After some searching, he notices a flaw in his can and uses that to pry open the can, happy that he can also eat and survive a bit longer.
The mathematician, however, is a bit saddened. After thinking some about what he wants to do to try and open the can, he proclaims out loud to the other men:
"Suppose the can is open."
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Post by Don Sims on Jan 19, 2024 6:59:52 GMT -6
Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company
The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.
To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?
The mathematician immediately responds "63".
The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%".
The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".
The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "how much do you want it to be?"
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